Fifth Decade of Desire

When did I start desiring to write, or to be more precise, to become an author? I can recall the very first poem I wrote, entitled “kapalaran” (fate), which got published in the school newsletter. I can’t forget that time since it was the first time I saw my byline. As I look back, I can’t remember a second time which felt as euphoric.

As I begin my fifth decade, this desire has become more acute. My main reason for not having published any book I could have written is unforgiveable — a failure to just write. My writing during my first decade can only be described as spontaneous without skill. I wrote poems but only in Filipino; My English was and still is, bad. I am barely able to write an error-free paragraph at any time. I wrote poems in a red notebook, and they were all about my dreams for the future. In my province at the time, there was only one newspaper accepting contributions. But as a provincial news letter, it accepted feature articles only and rarely, poems. The school organs in my high school and college published three poems and two short stories I wrote. But for the college paper, I got published because I was literary editor at one point. Also, I became active in theater arts and was completely distracted. Even so, I had thought many times about writing plays, but wrote nothing at all.

Working for a living occupied me in my second decade. The desire to write persisted however, and I never felt fulfilled, never experienced any kind of high even if I achieved something at the workplace or did some commendable and excellent jobs. I tried joining some writers workshops during this time but even my new-found faith antagonized this dream for sometime. Also, it dawned on me during those times that if I were to really become an author, I need to read and read and read, but the more I read, the more I realized that I wasn’t that cut out to write the way I wanted to write. But I continued writing poems — and I can count maybe less than 15 poems which got accepted in local publications. One of them is now long gone and out of circulation. I remember that at this point in my life, I was feeling extremely jealous of anybody I knew who would get published while I couldn’t find venues for my attempts.

I had to go back home and take care of my ailing mother in my third and fourth decade. But I took time to study about other writers as well, by taking up a creative writing course. I finished my thesis ten years after I started it. I was also a freelance translator based in my mother’s home, and a lot of my waking hours were spent on technical work. Needless to say, I just lost my creative juices.

Middle of my fourth decade, I went back to school, and now I am teaching literature. I feel that I have come full circle, coming home to my first love. I will blog about my progress as I try to establish a routine of writing.

I have already mapped out my projects for this year. I just hope that I can sustain the present momentum. So please help me God.